surprise !

Thursday, August 30, 2018


So by now you all know were having a baby! a Boy!

keeping it a secret for 16 whole weeks was almost impossible but the fact that I was sick as a dog helped me keep to myself I suppose lol
my reasons behind keeping it a secret are tough ones tho harlow is my ENTIRE WOLRD and wouldn't change her for anything I know how much I can handle unfortunately if another baby had what harlow has we wouldn't be able to continue with the pregnancy this was a devastating thought for me. I believe every woman has a choice so I would never judge a woman for her decisions but for me its never something I could ever in my dreams imagine going through with but under these circumstances it changes things. Any disability that would allow a child to have better self help and be able to do more on their own oh I would be over joyed to be their mom but when harlow needs my full time care every day and every night the answer was obvious to us for 16 weeks I was a mess trying to battle with my faith. I was on edge and still am but more so in the way I didn't want to acknowledge that I was pregnant I asked them not to let me hear the heart beat I asked them to save the photos for me because I couldn't allow my self to get attached ugh this KILLED. Bed ridden with nausea trying to not think of what could or could not happen. That appointment could not come quick enough, I tried to keep my mind busy but theres nothing you can think about when your entire life is about to change forever. the appointment came we explained to the ultra sound tech we didn't want to know the sex unless everything was in the clean she scanned and scanned as we waited she looked at us and said ok so you want to know the sex? you could tell she was over joyed for us me and bobby with with tears in our eyes in the same room that 2 years prior we found out the worst possible new about our little girl this appointment had gone so differently .. Harlows high risk dr came in the room and took a look at our little boys scans and said I can't say theres no chance but there is less then a 1% chance that your little boy has anything wrong with him. over joyed we finally could be happy about this little ball of love growing our family was growing and harlow was going to get a sibling and we get to experience the other side of parent hood. so now that we know everything going great we wait .... tho I don't think I will ever be able to embrace pregnancy the way I should its ok I know that there are reasons my brain protects its self. I put on a very brave face but there is a struggle everyday there is moments I sit in my car and just grip the steering wheel trying not to cr because I don't have time to fall apart things may look easy at times but its our life we have no choice we just keep going. I don't know what its going to be like with another little babe around here but I can tell you I'm not nervous I've been thru there will be hard times there always is but I'm ready I'm BEYOND excited to hold that little boy in my arms.
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