Learning from sadness

Monday, April 23, 2018

Am I even remotely surprised that I haven’t written in here since Halloween?! No but I’m not happy about it! I started this to be able to look back on and share with every one and now look at me  6 months later with no update! It’s not like I can be like this happened and I felt this way further proof as to why I never had a diary growing up ether lol but I’m here now so let’s get started how is harlow... so harlow is behind and falling further and further behind I asked them not to tell me what level she is at anymore it’s just sad to hear because it’s not fair to harlow to put a exact title of where she needs to be in a timely fashion she will get where she’s going when she is ready that is that . She’s doing very well in therapy tho she has therapy every day now 3 out of Home 2 in Home all a hour long but that’s not counting the therapy me and my mom do as well. I don’t over do her therapy she lets us know when she’s done the reason behind the therapy and large amounts and being so proactive isn’t because I have this imagination that makes me believe harlow will one day be “ normal” it’s not that at all it’s she deserves to have the help to use what brain function does work to help her live a powerful life one she can be proud of I’m no idiot I know the direction it’s going wether I want to face the music or not . I’ve learned my dad is actully the one who prepared me to be Harlows mom in his death.. crazy I know. Do I wish my dad was here ? Every second of every day hell yes but if I can’t learn somthing from his last moments on earth what’s the point? My dad was on top of his medical care always seeing the drs very organized verrrry ocd he had heart issues in the past but nothing a little open heart surgery didn’t fix till one day he was driving to work he had a stroke and was brain dead 24 hours later . Life is strange I remember that phone call just a vividly as Harlows phone call mabye that’s why I hate my phone so much anyways .. my dad was driving to work a job he hated and only took out of boredom because retirement wasn’t all trips and vacations when my mom wasn’t retired yet. So took a job to keep busy till she was ready and then that’s it it’s done. Not trying to be morbid here trust me the death of my dad is still somthing I 110% need to cope with but see what he taught me is if I sit here and cry and bitch about all the things harlow “won’t “ do.. what happens if one day we’re driving to a drs appointment and we get in a car crash and die? That’s it all that worry for what? I’m not saying I live life like I’m going to die daily I just don’t let the future get to me . What is the point? How do you know you are going to have one? Do I dream of harlow going to prom? Getting her license ? Having Bobby walk her down the isle? Yes yes and yes but do I know the reality? Yes there’s a fine line in to how much I allow myself to wander when thinking about Harlows future or my future for that matter I live in the here and the now day by day because I fully believe I was supposed to learn that from my dad in the weirdest of all ways he gave me one last lesson don’t get me wrong my dad taught me so much about being a mom he was all about safety he wasn’t a dooms day planner but he definitely had a plan and supplies if that day ever came and what do you know little old me who he thought never listens had a bag in my closet for harlow Incase “doomsday” whatever that may be happened because harlow can’t eat like us I have to think ahead and let me tell you my dad is probally so damn proud of me for it... oh life.. I truly do not understand you
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