surprise !

Thursday, August 30, 2018

So by now you all know were having a baby! a Boy!

keeping it a secret for 16 whole weeks was almost impossible but the fact that I was sick as a dog helped me keep to myself I suppose lol
my reasons behind keeping it a secret are tough ones tho harlow is my ENTIRE WOLRD and wouldn't change her for anything I know how much I can handle unfortunately if another baby had what harlow has we wouldn't be able to continue with the pregnancy this was a devastating thought for me. I believe every woman has a choice so I would never judge a woman for her decisions but for me its never something I could ever in my dreams imagine going through with but under these circumstances it changes things. Any disability that would allow a child to have better self help and be able to do more on their own oh I would be over joyed to be their mom but when harlow needs my full time care every day and every night the answer was obvious to us for 16 weeks I was a mess trying to battle with my faith. I was on edge and still am but more so in the way I didn't want to acknowledge that I was pregnant I asked them not to let me hear the heart beat I asked them to save the photos for me because I couldn't allow my self to get attached ugh this KILLED. Bed ridden with nausea trying to not think of what could or could not happen. That appointment could not come quick enough, I tried to keep my mind busy but theres nothing you can think about when your entire life is about to change forever. the appointment came we explained to the ultra sound tech we didn't want to know the sex unless everything was in the clean she scanned and scanned as we waited she looked at us and said ok so you want to know the sex? you could tell she was over joyed for us me and bobby with with tears in our eyes in the same room that 2 years prior we found out the worst possible new about our little girl this appointment had gone so differently .. Harlows high risk dr came in the room and took a look at our little boys scans and said I can't say theres no chance but there is less then a 1% chance that your little boy has anything wrong with him. over joyed we finally could be happy about this little ball of love growing our family was growing and harlow was going to get a sibling and we get to experience the other side of parent hood. so now that we know everything going great we wait .... tho I don't think I will ever be able to embrace pregnancy the way I should its ok I know that there are reasons my brain protects its self. I put on a very brave face but there is a struggle everyday there is moments I sit in my car and just grip the steering wheel trying not to cr because I don't have time to fall apart things may look easy at times but its our life we have no choice we just keep going. I don't know what its going to be like with another little babe around here but I can tell you I'm not nervous I've been thru there will be hard times there always is but I'm ready I'm BEYOND excited to hold that little boy in my arms.

Really Enzo

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

It is 1 am why am I awake? Because Enzo is having a bad dream and practically scared the living crap out of me by howling in his sleep.. so now I’m wide awake while harlow snores so cute and quiet next to me. Bobbys out of town so it’s a nice big bed for us to take over. I’m currently stressing on my damn lips they are killing me whyyyy didn’t I use sun screen on them?? Like what was I thinking or not thinking I should say now I pay the price of blistered cut and dry lippers plus I fell off a horse so I’m still recovering from the soreness of that hot mess haha it wasn’t as bad as it sounds my hours and my gfs horse didn’t get along one thing lead to another and they got in a tiff I heard on till kk was about a foot from the ground dropped and rolled I was not about to get stepped on butbon the way down my leg got caught on somthing and here we are today lol Cabo was a fun trip to def needed. I forever how hectic my life is until I’m forced to slow down but in all honesty I loveeee my life with harlow and I suppose bobby lol jk but her life is so interesting everyday is different so it’s exciting to be a part of it and getting to work from home just all of it is so exciting to see. Lately she’s been hitting a couple large milestones for her sitting up by her self head control almost laughing the crawling position I’ve already accepted her for who she is so this is all a bonus. The part that’s been a little hard for me is her growing once I get used to her one way it changes and I’m sure everyone goes thru this Special needs or not but I guess in my head I always convinced myself she would be small enough to always carry, not so much anymore . She’s just getting larger and more awakard to carry cus she dosnt bend and move like most babes so that’s my most recent adjustment I’m working on is to accept her this size lol Special or not no mama wants their baby to grow up lol we decided we will be adding a pool to our house. Above ground one but Bobbys going to build a deck and all that simply because (besides from our own benefit lol) water therapy is a huge thing and I think it will really help harlow she’s grown to like water so let’s keep it going. As for hope for harlows line I launched it today and it is doing great I can’t believe how much love we get it really changes the way I look at humanity in somthing so small people come together and all love this little girl and pray for her  like how lucky are we to have this opportunity?? Beyond amazing well I’m gunna try and get some more sleep night guys!

Learning from sadness

Monday, April 23, 2018

Am I even remotely surprised that I haven’t written in here since Halloween?! No but I’m not happy about it! I started this to be able to look back on and share with every one and now look at me  6 months later with no update! It’s not like I can be like this happened and I felt this way further proof as to why I never had a diary growing up ether lol but I’m here now so let’s get started how is harlow... so harlow is behind and falling further and further behind I asked them not to tell me what level she is at anymore it’s just sad to hear because it’s not fair to harlow to put a exact title of where she needs to be in a timely fashion she will get where she’s going when she is ready that is that . She’s doing very well in therapy tho she has therapy every day now 3 out of Home 2 in Home all a hour long but that’s not counting the therapy me and my mom do as well. I don’t over do her therapy she lets us know when she’s done the reason behind the therapy and large amounts and being so proactive isn’t because I have this imagination that makes me believe harlow will one day be “ normal” it’s not that at all it’s she deserves to have the help to use what brain function does work to help her live a powerful life one she can be proud of I’m no idiot I know the direction it’s going wether I want to face the music or not . I’ve learned my dad is actully the one who prepared me to be Harlows mom in his death.. crazy I know. Do I wish my dad was here ? Every second of every day hell yes but if I can’t learn somthing from his last moments on earth what’s the point? My dad was on top of his medical care always seeing the drs very organized verrrry ocd he had heart issues in the past but nothing a little open heart surgery didn’t fix till one day he was driving to work he had a stroke and was brain dead 24 hours later . Life is strange I remember that phone call just a vividly as Harlows phone call mabye that’s why I hate my phone so much anyways .. my dad was driving to work a job he hated and only took out of boredom because retirement wasn’t all trips and vacations when my mom wasn’t retired yet. So took a job to keep busy till she was ready and then that’s it it’s done. Not trying to be morbid here trust me the death of my dad is still somthing I 110% need to cope with but see what he taught me is if I sit here and cry and bitch about all the things harlow “won’t “ do.. what happens if one day we’re driving to a drs appointment and we get in a car crash and die? That’s it all that worry for what? I’m not saying I live life like I’m going to die daily I just don’t let the future get to me . What is the point? How do you know you are going to have one? Do I dream of harlow going to prom? Getting her license ? Having Bobby walk her down the isle? Yes yes and yes but do I know the reality? Yes there’s a fine line in to how much I allow myself to wander when thinking about Harlows future or my future for that matter I live in the here and the now day by day because I fully believe I was supposed to learn that from my dad in the weirdest of all ways he gave me one last lesson don’t get me wrong my dad taught me so much about being a mom he was all about safety he wasn’t a dooms day planner but he definitely had a plan and supplies if that day ever came and what do you know little old me who he thought never listens had a bag in my closet for harlow Incase “doomsday” whatever that may be happened because harlow can’t eat like us I have to think ahead and let me tell you my dad is probally so damn proud of me for it... oh life.. I truly do not understand you
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