Halloween a year later

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Last Halloween I remember it so vividly.. harlow was in the nicu I still was having a really hard time being arround her I hadn’t met my guardian angel yet I had gotten a emergency appointment with a therapist to go over some of the thoughts I was having and the paranoia basically I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy but I was all at the same time I remember leaving the hospital to go to the doctors office and seeing all these family’s out with their kids trick or treating moms with their baby’s dads chasing down the toddlers feeling like all I wanted to do was throw up everywhere I pulled in to my drs office and went to the phyc wing and signed in. Looking around seeing that I was pretty much the last one left it was 7 pm so I’m not surprised. I had been seeing a therapist since my 20 week check up when we found out somthing was wrong with Harlow I’ve always been very pro active about mental issues seeing I never knew my family history for the first 29 years of my life it was important to keep a eye on it not to mention I don’t like not being in control of myself and my thoughts and feelings so it’s always been a struggle dealing with anxiety and depression I know that’s a lot of girls “go to” excuse but I’m one who dosnt use it as a excuse more as fuel to keep going . Any who I was all alone sitting waiting thinking about how different my Halloween’s used to be my favorite holiday ruined I thought one more thing add it to the list . Getting down and out even more then I already was was like adding more poison to the existing wound painful and full of disaster. During this time my post partum was as a all time high I had just stopped pumping and was trying to stop my milk from continuing to come, I had just given birth and hadn’t even stopped to let my self heal so my well lady stuff was pretty painful and I don’t take meds so it was just adding more frustration to the mix my mind was so messy I couldn’t even focus when they called my name I was actively looking at my dr call my name and had no idea what she ment by it. I finally snapped out of it and jumped up.. ouch.. I sat down on her couch and instantly started crying she looked at me the way I hate to be looked at.. pitied.. I knew she didn’t know any better and honestly what do you do in hat situation my daughter was fighting for her life I had been telling this lady for 20 weeks how beyond scared of giving birth I was and for all this to go on there’s nothing TO say in this situation besides let you let it out .. once I got a grip I started telling her how scared I am all the time everything scares me I’m panicking all the time getting hot flashes like I’m going to die my hearts racing I can’t breath and so on she tells me it’s going to be ok.. lmao oh it is? I love my therapist don’t get me wrong but that’s like telling someone trying to get pregnant .. stop stressing .. lordddd anyways .. she continued to let me get everything off my chest all the things I was scared to tell bobby in fear of him thinking I would be a bad mom all the things I was beating my self up about just everything I could I knew I only had a hour I knew I’d leave here and go back to the hospital I knew my world would continue on the path it was so if there’s any chance of me finding a little peace of mind it’s right now. After getting everything out there I felt like a part of the 50 ton weight was lifted mabye like 10 of it I had 40 to go . But it was a start .. she told me not to be worried I wasn’t alone and there was a group I could go to I said sign me up!.. I left feeling like I had made a dent in my current issue . I felt like I could breath a little bit easier .. I called Bobby to let him know I was on my way back I’d see him soon.. I pulled out of the drive way on to the Main Street which happened to have houses on it I pulled over and parked and just sat there for what seemed like forever watching the little kids get so excited about the type of candy they had gotten ( yea this probably would have weirded me out if I saw some lady parked watching my kid lol luckily no one saw me I swear I’m not creepy lol) but I just thought back to the time I thought about what my Childs first Halloween would be what they would dress up as would me and Bobby join in? Would we put them in a wagon and pull them around for door to door? All the thoughts came rushing over me thinking would there even be a Halloween for harlow? Will she ever leave if she does what kind of quality of life will she have? It was as if I was in the ocean and wave after wave after wave was just beating the living crap out of me. I couldn’t catch my breath I couldn’t come up for air I was so jealous of these woman these perfect moms and their perfect kids I was angry like they had no idea what it’s like .. this wasn’t me this isn’t the kind of person I am I’m usually the one that always knows everyone’s fighting their own battles we don’t always know about but here I was hating any one walking by me with a healthy child. That was my que to leave the anger was far to consuming. I had got back to the hospital walked up to the Nicu and had to choose go in or sit outside .. I turned to my right pulled up a chair sat down and cried... 

Looking back at this night one year later some of the feelings I have are still rooted in me and I don’t think they ever will fully go away.. but Harlow is alive and that’s one blessing I can’t ever take for granted 🖤

2 comments:

  1. Don't have but a second to comment because my stupid phone is about to die. Gosh Katie there are so many times I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a huge hug. RHIS is what sets you apart, that you are willing to share from the depths of your soul. And look at Miss Sassy, how far she has come, and how much she enjoyed her first Halloween! I wish there was a fairy wand that could be waved to make this easier, but you seriously need to give yourself credit for how far YOU have come Momma. Big hugs.

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  2. I've been to every larger venue in the town and this is one of the best. Their menu is small but at least they seem to do what they have on it well. The New York Event Venues have a variety of salads and sandwiches, and a fresh daily soup.

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