Halloween a year later

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Last Halloween I remember it so vividly.. harlow was in the nicu I still was having a really hard time being arround her I hadn’t met my guardian angel yet I had gotten a emergency appointment with a therapist to go over some of the thoughts I was having and the paranoia basically I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy but I was all at the same time I remember leaving the hospital to go to the doctors office and seeing all these family’s out with their kids trick or treating moms with their baby’s dads chasing down the toddlers feeling like all I wanted to do was throw up everywhere I pulled in to my drs office and went to the phyc wing and signed in. Looking around seeing that I was pretty much the last one left it was 7 pm so I’m not surprised. I had been seeing a therapist since my 20 week check up when we found out somthing was wrong with Harlow I’ve always been very pro active about mental issues seeing I never knew my family history for the first 29 years of my life it was important to keep a eye on it not to mention I don’t like not being in control of myself and my thoughts and feelings so it’s always been a struggle dealing with anxiety and depression I know that’s a lot of girls “go to” excuse but I’m one who dosnt use it as a excuse more as fuel to keep going . Any who I was all alone sitting waiting thinking about how different my Halloween’s used to be my favorite holiday ruined I thought one more thing add it to the list . Getting down and out even more then I already was was like adding more poison to the existing wound painful and full of disaster. During this time my post partum was as a all time high I had just stopped pumping and was trying to stop my milk from continuing to come, I had just given birth and hadn’t even stopped to let my self heal so my well lady stuff was pretty painful and I don’t take meds so it was just adding more frustration to the mix my mind was so messy I couldn’t even focus when they called my name I was actively looking at my dr call my name and had no idea what she ment by it. I finally snapped out of it and jumped up.. ouch.. I sat down on her couch and instantly started crying she looked at me the way I hate to be looked at.. pitied.. I knew she didn’t know any better and honestly what do you do in hat situation my daughter was fighting for her life I had been telling this lady for 20 weeks how beyond scared of giving birth I was and for all this to go on there’s nothing TO say in this situation besides let you let it out .. once I got a grip I started telling her how scared I am all the time everything scares me I’m panicking all the time getting hot flashes like I’m going to die my hearts racing I can’t breath and so on she tells me it’s going to be ok.. lmao oh it is? I love my therapist don’t get me wrong but that’s like telling someone trying to get pregnant .. stop stressing .. lordddd anyways .. she continued to let me get everything off my chest all the things I was scared to tell bobby in fear of him thinking I would be a bad mom all the things I was beating my self up about just everything I could I knew I only had a hour I knew I’d leave here and go back to the hospital I knew my world would continue on the path it was so if there’s any chance of me finding a little peace of mind it’s right now. After getting everything out there I felt like a part of the 50 ton weight was lifted mabye like 10 of it I had 40 to go . But it was a start .. she told me not to be worried I wasn’t alone and there was a group I could go to I said sign me up!.. I left feeling like I had made a dent in my current issue . I felt like I could breath a little bit easier .. I called Bobby to let him know I was on my way back I’d see him soon.. I pulled out of the drive way on to the Main Street which happened to have houses on it I pulled over and parked and just sat there for what seemed like forever watching the little kids get so excited about the type of candy they had gotten ( yea this probably would have weirded me out if I saw some lady parked watching my kid lol luckily no one saw me I swear I’m not creepy lol) but I just thought back to the time I thought about what my Childs first Halloween would be what they would dress up as would me and Bobby join in? Would we put them in a wagon and pull them around for door to door? All the thoughts came rushing over me thinking would there even be a Halloween for harlow? Will she ever leave if she does what kind of quality of life will she have? It was as if I was in the ocean and wave after wave after wave was just beating the living crap out of me. I couldn’t catch my breath I couldn’t come up for air I was so jealous of these woman these perfect moms and their perfect kids I was angry like they had no idea what it’s like .. this wasn’t me this isn’t the kind of person I am I’m usually the one that always knows everyone’s fighting their own battles we don’t always know about but here I was hating any one walking by me with a healthy child. That was my que to leave the anger was far to consuming. I had got back to the hospital walked up to the Nicu and had to choose go in or sit outside .. I turned to my right pulled up a chair sat down and cried... 

Looking back at this night one year later some of the feelings I have are still rooted in me and I don’t think they ever will fully go away.. but Harlow is alive and that’s one blessing I can’t ever take for granted 🖤

Please stop drinking the hateraid

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Ahhh hello my fellow mamas n woman who love my little fam bam.. looks like I have to come on here to chat with you all from now on.. so I get it I shouldn’t let some pathetic person get to me with their mean ramblings when they clearly have something else going on in there lives that they decided to take out on little ol me.. except easier said then done.. the first could emails I ever received before harlow got all her friends I shrugged off simply because I thought it was well.. annoying that someone would take the time to be mean for no reason at all.. but the more I let people in to my life the worse the emails that I did get got.. I’m just a regular girl with regular problems with regular mistakes because I’m still learning like the rest of us. But my biggest pet peeve is not being able to defend myself. What’s worse is all I’m doing is trying to help woman out and let them know they are not alone on topics that some are scared to voice.. you would think people wouldn’t be able to find anything to bitch about with that ohhhhh but they do they do.. some of the things they said I laugh off like oh if you only knew but some of the things were extremely hurtful.. for instance who ever it was said I did the donations for harlows birthday to keep all the stuff... ok so your telling me... I went out made a fake registry to request 10 baby dolls, stickers, card games, kid costumes ect alllllll to then keep them for myself ... wtf could I possibly need those items for... HARLOW CAN EVEN HOLD SOMETHING FOR LONGER THEN 5 SECONDS... so yes you caught me that’s exactly what I did... good lord ..the other thing that got under my skin was they dug in to me about my financials.. this urked me pretty bad simply because no one knows about other people’s money it’s like when you vote you just don’t ask but they said I went and took the money from the go fund me mind you while harlow was in the Nicu and they her first 2 hospital stays and bought my self a new car... oh I did did I? That’s interesting where is this said car? We got a car to accommodate harlow and all of her possible therapy accessories and if she needs a wheel chair the same month she was born so we didn’t even have the money at that point.. they had threaten to call her new ciro dr and tell them we don’t need any help we can pay for it on our own .. yea I’m sure we would figure it out I never asked for the help they wanted to help us because THATS WHAT KIND PEOPLE DO they also said they would call the state and tell them we committed fraud... lol you do that let me know how it goes me and Bobby don’t have any help we pay for insurance just like everyone else and we pay for harlows as well ... Medici-cal covers her disability assistance.. and we don’t get a monthly check to help us out it’s just us..these are just some of the things that were said that are so far off being called ugly or saying the clothing I make are knock offs I mean it’s annoying yes but do I care .. no .. go on Etsy I promise you will find 40 other “ knock offs” woman will do what they can to help their families and that’s just that we make items to sell because it’s all we can do when we can’t go back to work I have harlows shop to help our family since I can’t go back to work it helps with diapers , whipes and baby food and clothes we don’t get assistance with that sorta thing no food stamps here..oh also apperantly harlow isn’t really “ that disabled” not sure what that means ..harlows week looks like this...
Monday saved for doctors appointments 
Tuesday therapy in the morning at home then ciro 40 minuets away
Wednesday therapy in the morning 20 minuets away
Thursday therapy in the morning at home ciro in the afternoon 40 minutes away
Friday... you guessed it therapy 20 minuets away

Thats just your basic week it’s usually changing every week with a drs appointment they couldn’t fit on a Monday 


So this is what I mean by not being able to defend my self it’s not fair when people assume they know you and think they have the right to bash you I put my self out there to help and for the most part I feel like I have been able to help others get thru hard times just as much as others have helped me but it’s people like these assholes who can type all this mean stuff from a fake name that ruin it for everyone . So that’s why I decided to put it on here the good the bad and the ugly of the journey we’re on. I hope who ever wrote me that email reads this and reads how far off they were and how you can assume all you want but being a bully is a ugly life to live and I highly suggest you find somthing better to do.. as for all my lovers that genuinely care I will do my best to share as much as I can that I feel I can’t get hurt by but of you have a seriously personal thing your going thru and you feel we have gone thru it please please please email me I am always here to help and be a shoulder to lean on 🖤

Alright already...

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

So what was actually a great day had a very ugly end to it .. my sleeping habits have gotten completely out of control .. I’m lucky if I get 3 hours and unfortunately I can’t even blame harlow saying she’s keeping me up it’s my brain.. my overthinking, overannoying, brain. I’ve even noticed I am becoming extremely paranoid at night when I go to bed and seriously think of all the ways I may have cancer or some sort of thing that will kill me . Never in a million years did I expect this part. This wasn’t in the parenting manual. Why did like get so SO real? I was so carefree before all of this.. harlow .. diagnosis’s.. therapy.. doctors.. and how in the actual hell is my 12 month old daughter braver then me? I’m her mom I’m supposed to be able to do it all? Why dose it seem like if I could give harlow my brain It wouldn’t even be a thought process but getting something that could kill me is petrifying? I don’t get motherhood I don’t get why it has to be a roller coster? Tonight was a really hard night for me I couldn’t get out of my head and I tried everything it ended up costing me a large chunk of my sanity after going for a walk taking a bath cleaning the appartment all at 1 am I decided what better way to get my mind off of things then to take my extentions out? I need them redone so perfect.. not perfect.. I tried tape ins for what now will be the final time so they are a pain to get out I have the solution I let them soak while I ran the bath started working on them some came out no problem others not so much . I started thinking about all the bullshit I have been thru recently all the hard times all the times that I wasn’t able to fall apart all the times I felt like I had been socked in the gut all the sleepless nights because of worry and before I knew it I was actively ripping out my extentions.. oh yes I’m not being over dramatic fulllllll on ripping.. by the time I was done I realized I had bald spots everywhere.. I sat down on the bathroom floor still unable to cry for whatever reason that may be.. and just thought why? Why is this happening to my life? It’s like I love harlow more then anything and I will do anything for her but why is everything such a exhausting mission to do? Why is it all over the place why does it cost a fortune why is everything a gosh damn battle? I feel like I’ve been fighting with someone for something every day for the last 12 months if not more I’m so tired of fighting but let’s face it this is just the beginning they say you can only bend so much before you break well I really think god thinks he made me out of silly putty Cus I’m still bending but I feel like I’m going to break soon I just don’t have the time to fall apart bobby can’t do what I do and I can’t do what he does we’re all a team .. oh life when the hell did you get so hard...
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