trip down memory lane

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Well this is the last night of normalcy my baby officially will have surgery tomorrow ... I look back on pictures of when it was just me and bobby and then when we got Zoe and I remember thinking we're never going to get pregnant and that wasn't fair how come we don't get to get a baby when so many people could care less and then The day came that I was pregnant and I thought to myself I cannot believe this is actually happening I cannot believe that I'm actually pregnant I remember running around the house and zoe chased me saying oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my God.. over and over and over again because I couldn't believe that it was actually real and I thought to myself my dream actually came true to be a mom that's all I've ever wanted was to be a mom to have someone to take care of to have someone to look up to me and confide in me and argue with me someone who is a mini me and mini  of my husband A carbon copy of me and him put together into one .. for years I never thought I would ever find someone I would actually Marry let alone have a kid with and then the two things that I never thought would happen happened I was the luckiest girl alive at that moment in time I even think back to the first couple weeks of being pregnant and thinking how the heck do you women do this I was so sick every inch of my body ached but I didn't care because it was worth it it was worth every single second every vomit every headache every ache and pain it was worth it and then 15 weeks came and we found out that we are having a little girl and I could imagine it her first boyfriend learning how to drive to the day she got married the day she told me that she was going to have a baby and that I got to be a grandma I saw it all flash before my eyes and it felt so warm and comforting and then 17 weeks came and I made an appointment to have our 20 week check up where they scanned everything and double checked everything to make sure everything was OK I remember walking into the doctors office Bobby had gotten off work early we went into the room where the ultrasound tech was I lay down and from that moment on I knew my life would never be the same I had never gotten that feeling before that moment there was something in the air it just didn't feel right it wasnt a happy moment anymore it was a moment of pure terror it was a moment that I never want to remember and I just hoped and prayed that it was my head playing tricks on me I had finally gotten all my dreams it was too easy after all this time and trying to get pregnant things were going far to smoothly the ultra sound tech began scanning everything I stared at her face waiting for her to break her poker face and she didn't the whole time she talked to me about when she gave birth to her kids never once batting an eye but still I could feel something wasn't right I remember Harlow running around my belly kicking me like crazy I kept telling myself how could a baby have something wrong with it be so active I just kept telling myself you're overreacting you're being dramatic everything is OK even ultrasound tech isn't thinking anything was wrong she would tell you even though she's not allowed to tell you I felt like she would have at least made a face she said she would be right back and she stepped out for a second I remember still having the jelly on my belly thinking is it over did we get to go home ? She came back in and that's when I knew something wasn't right her face I changed and she was far more quiet now I asked her questions about her kids and she gave me one word answers I stopped asking I just laid there I could feel my heart pounding in my chest thinking to myself something isn't right I looked over at Bobby he was sitting on his phone as usual he looked fine so It had to been just me something in the air it was just me I kept telling myself over and over again everything is fine she's fine you're doing everything right she told us that we could go and no news is good news so if we don't hear from them in three days just continue on there's something about how she said it I just knew then the days past we got through day one then day to then day three just when I thought I was in the clear my phone rang and it was the phone call from actual hell telling me something was wrong but they found something on the scan but they couldn't tell me much more and that they have an opening in five days to come in and get rescanned five days I had to wait to find out what was going on five days I spent bawling my eyes out five days thinking about all the things that I had hoped and prayed for and wondering which of them I was going to be able to do if any at all it just so happened that my birthday was the day before our appointment I'll never forget that birthday because it was the worst birthday I've ever had just dreading the next day it was the slowest birthday I have ever had as well I spent it with my two best friends I remember I was so angry at Bobby because I had thought that he didn't plan anything for my birthday but he had actually surprised me with a surprise dinner if you know my husband you know that that is extremely rare surprises he hates them I remember going home that night laying in bed thinking to myself what am I going to do tomorrow when they tell me the worst possible thing how am i going to handle it I've had anxiety and depression my whole life so in this moment I have to get it together not for me not for Bobby But for Harlow I woke up the next morning if you can even say that I woke up because I don't think I even went to sleep I got dressed I remember exactly what I was wearing that day black pants and a burnt orange top I remember putting my shirt on and holding my belly thinking I got you no matter what I've got you we are arrived at the hospital where they take us into a special room and I remember the lady she was a geneticist she tried explaining to Us what was going on but I didn't hear a word she was saying I remember asking her if she could repeat herself because I was so confused as to what she was saying she did politely I remember the words there is an issue with your daughters brain I shook my head thinking to myself of course the one thing that you can't fix the one thing that you can't understand and The one thing that runs your entire body I felt cold I remember that which was odd because when you're pregnant you're really hot all the time at least for me I was I think it was my blood I think it was ice cold. Everything that I ever dreamed came crashing down on top of me no prom no first boyfriend no learning how to drive a car no getting married no grandkids none of it how is it the one thing that I wanted in my entire life was sitting right in front of me but there wasn't a damn thing I can do to fix it we sat in her office for about an hour talking about all the different options talking about all the different things that could happen talking about what kind of quality of life she would have talking about all the different issues that she will encounter that she'll probably never be able to walk talk eat on her own and so on she asked us three different separate times if we want to abort me and Bobby said no before she could even get the words out finally it was time to see the doctor we got into the room and I knew right then and there that they didn't need to rescan us they Already knew what was going on they wanted to do an amniocentesis to try and narrow down what exactly was going on originally she was only supposed to have hydrocephalus God what I wouldn't give for just some Hydro but at the time it was very scary and that's not saying that hydrocephalus is not a serious condition because it is it was time to do the amnio they brought out the biggest need I think I've ever seen in my entire life I remember them saying that because I had tattoos I'll be just fine not exactly tattoos don't have 12 inch needles that go through your belly into your baby sack to fill tubes of her fluid. I turned to my left I grabbed Bobby's hands for dear life I closed my eyes and I prayed for the first time in a while I prayed it wasn't to make the pain stop it wasn't to make this nightmare end it was to make my baby Ok to take care of her almost done almost done almost done I heard that for about what seemed like 10 minutes it was realistically about four minutes but four minutes too long finally they were done I was covered in iodine they said that I could get cleaned up they all left the room I looked at Bobby and I lost it I don't think I've ever cried that hard before I had been holding it all in for so long been told something is wrong with my baby having to wait five days going through the appointment being told that she's basically going to be a vegetable getting this huge needle stuck in me I cried into Bobbys chest till the nurse came in and said that they needed the room I hopped off the bed grab my stuff and ran out the door they stopped me telling me that they needed blood at that point I couldn't walk anymore I couldn't move anymore you guys can have whatever you want I remember thinking they brought me a wheelchair and Bobby wheeled me downstairs to get blood work done then we went outside so that I can relax and breathe I remember thinking this day is such a horrible day and now we have to wait for test results that would probably take about three weeks three weeks I will be 24 weeks when I find out what's wrong with our baby not that it was an option but just in case you guys wanted to know 24 weeks is the cut off for abortion it wouldn't be just a simple procedure but it would still be considered an abortion that means that if I were to consider it I would have no time at all to make a decision The test results all came back negative so this meant that there was a large possibility that the hydrocephalus could clear up on its own that there was no infection no cyst no tumor so Harlow had a fighting chance of being OK there was a light at the end of the tunnel but the damage is already done my pregnancy was destroyed my anxiety was a dark cloud that followed me everywhere I went I couldn't leave the house I couldn't talk to anybody I was all alone.. what happened to my dream and why did it get so bad so quick I had to do was take care of this little girl and I can't even manage that it got real dark for me so 25 weeks came and went than 30 at that point I was going in probably three times a week to the doctors to get monitored the fluid hadn't Grown this was huge this meant that there was a large possibility that the fluid could drain on it's own after she was born I actually saw the light at the end of the tunnel for a change I can't wait to meet her after hearing the news that I may still have a chance at a normal baby 40 weeks came and went she did not want to come out after the fifth day I had a check up with my doctor and they wanted to induce me because her fluid was low I remember I was so scared to give birth I was beyond petrified there was nothing anyone can say to me that was going to make me feel better I don't know if I was scared of the actual birth or what came after either way I had 56 long hours to think about it I didn't get the epidural until my 50th hour I wanted to know what it felt like because I had a feeling that I never was going to be able to feel it again I had a feeling that this was going to be my only birth, my only pregnancy I had already been robbed of all the joy the least I could do is remember this it was finally time to push it was finally time to meet our little girl, I was finally time to know the truth I pushed three times and she was out I remember looking at her thinking gosh why do people think babies are adorable when they come out don't get me wrong she's my daughter and I think she's beautiful but not covered in blood slime and God only knows what else I remember telling the nurses that I wanted her after they cleaned her up that it really didn't matter because the second she came out that's when everything went downhill and fast she wasn't breathing she didn't breath for 46 seconds do you know how long 46 seconds you would think quick right?  Nope it felt like a damn lifetime once they finally got her to breathe I felt like I could breathe they said they had to rush her to the Nicu I asked if I could at least see her before they took her they brought her over next to my bed and I remember seeing her blowing bubbles that was what I got out of that moment was her chubby little face blowing bubbles and then they took her and that was it. I wasn't allowed to go see her until the epidural wore off so I could pee well that wasn't happening very quickly so they gave me the option that I could get on some weird contraption things pee and they could wheel me in there on a wheelchair I agreed of course. Bobby wheeled me down to the Nicu we went through the doors where we got stopped by a doctor his face is forever burned into my memory and it's one that I don't want... He took us in to the office and proceeded to tell us all the things that were wrong with her how she's having seizures how she has some extremely rare genetic disorder how she will never learn to do anything she will have no quality-of-life "she will stop mentally developing at 3 months and die at 10 years I'm sorry" I remember he then handed Bobby a piece of paper that he printed off the Internet explaining in detail what she had and I just remember staring at him thinking you're such a son of a bitch what possessed you to take this moment for me why did you do this to me you  couldn't have waited until I at least got to see my daughter for basically the first time to drop this giant shit bomb on top of me no you had to stop me at the door you had to tell me everything and now I'm supposed to be sent on my merry little way yeah I didn't say a single word Bobby wheeled me out of there take me to go see our daughter who is in a glass box and she looked so peaceful still blowing bubbles I asked if I could hold her and they said that I had to wait a little bit because she had seizures I asked Bobby if he would take me out of the Nicu  for a moment he did I told him to get me the fuck out of the hospital The epidural hadn't even worn off yet he took me outside where he sat with me while I cried my eyes out my little girl, my dream, was sick and there wasn't a damn thing I can do about it... To be continued....

1 comment:

  1. You are an amazing mother. No one can change that. You are doing everything and more for that sweet baby girl of yours. Stay patient and trust your journey. You were chosen for her, she was chosen for you. I pray for you, her, your family, her doctors.

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