I don't understand any of this

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

How the hell am I still doing this? Last night I laid in what they call a bed in the hospital listening to my daughters breathing thinking this could be worse some parents beg to hear breathing and can't sleep because they are so scared it will stop in their kid.. but then I realized I'm comparing again I compare my life to others who don't have kids with issues and think how jealous I am I compare my life to people who have it so easy and have no idea how hard things could be I compare my life with  to those who have it harder then me telling my self pull it together it could be worse but now I wounder does anyone compare their lives to me? Wishing they had mine? I wouldn't change getting harlow for the world I'd do anything for her but looking back thinking everything was going to work it's self out and everything is going to be ok when I was pregnant and now I'm here in the middle of my own personal hell telling my self it's gunna be ok ... soooo when is it gunna be ok? That's the real question... I've been fighting for almost one year now and we had one simple decision keep going or start over I don't believe in abortions simply because your kid is not perfect to each their own but I remember sitting in a doctors office and they asked us do you want to abort I said the only way I will abort this child is if she will have no quality-of-life and they said that they can't promise me that mind you this is just when we thought she had hydrocephalus do I regret my decision ? Hell no Harlow has taught me more about life in six months than I could've ever learned on my own.. do I regret going through this? no because one day I look back and think I'm stronger because of it but there is a part of me that wonders what if one thing was different what if I didn't have to go through this what if Harlow didn't have to go through this what if I was able to hold my baby like a normal child what if I was able to get a smile or laugh what if I was able to have a normal newborn? that was robbed from me I feel like I've been stripped of all my normal I don't even know what's up anymore or down I don't feel comfortable anywhere anymore it's very frustrating I hate change and yet I'm in the middle of nothing but it I am so exhausted The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that she will not remember any of this that this will just be a story I tell her one day that this will be a moment in her life that she can be proud of even though she doesn't remember it every parent tells her kids stories about when they were babies and you don't remember it so that's what gets me through this The pain and torture that she's going through the only people that are going to remember it is us and even though we feel it emotionally we don't have to feel it in our bones like she does .. tomorrow is her surgery and I wish time would stand so instead I feel like the days are fast forwarding getting closer and closer to the moment that she has to go under scares the shit out of me in all honesty I know other parents have felt this feeling before what if she doesn't make it out of the surgery .. what if this doesn't help what if there's problems what if there's an infection .. what if it makes things worse .. what if she rips out her G-tube what if something goes wrong .. all the what if's you can play the what if game as long as you want if I've learned anything in my life the what if game doesn't really work that well I played it when my dad died I played it when one of my best friends got murdered I played it over and over again when things didn't go my way The truth is everything can be different it only takes one single thing to change for your path to change couple years ago I went to a friends house and there was a psychic there I thought why not there's no way that these people are real they're just really good at reading people well this chick was really good at reading people I guess because there's things that there is no possible way she could've known mind you I wasn't as religious as I am now so I would never do it again knowing your future isn't for you to know some of the things that she said played out as if she wrote it herself others she had given me a heads up on things that I need to change to avoid certain things and I did but I wonder if this was a curse now changing my life because I think it's going to be better because of something I think might happen  I May have just set the ball rolling for something else to happen .. Harlow isn't something anyone could've ever predicted it was one thing that changed in her it's nothing I did nothing Bobbys Did it's something her body did so when I say that this is her journey and this is her story this is 100% Harlows to own it that's fate there is absolutely nothing that we could have done different to change Harlow's path other than abort her so that's why I'm not angry that she has these things going on with her I am however angry of the side effects that come with it Harlow is going to be such a unique person I'm excited to see who she becomes but I am so tired of her being in pain it's not fair I've been nothing but excepting and understanding and supportive through all of this I just don't understand why she doesn't get a fair fight I hope one day that I'll be able to understand this because right now I don't...

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