trip down memory lane

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Well this is the last night of normalcy my baby officially will have surgery tomorrow ... I look back on pictures of when it was just me and bobby and then when we got Zoe and I remember thinking we're never going to get pregnant and that wasn't fair how come we don't get to get a baby when so many people could care less and then The day came that I was pregnant and I thought to myself I cannot believe this is actually happening I cannot believe that I'm actually pregnant I remember running around the house and zoe chased me saying oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my God.. over and over and over again because I couldn't believe that it was actually real and I thought to myself my dream actually came true to be a mom that's all I've ever wanted was to be a mom to have someone to take care of to have someone to look up to me and confide in me and argue with me someone who is a mini me and mini  of my husband A carbon copy of me and him put together into one .. for years I never thought I would ever find someone I would actually Marry let alone have a kid with and then the two things that I never thought would happen happened I was the luckiest girl alive at that moment in time I even think back to the first couple weeks of being pregnant and thinking how the heck do you women do this I was so sick every inch of my body ached but I didn't care because it was worth it it was worth every single second every vomit every headache every ache and pain it was worth it and then 15 weeks came and we found out that we are having a little girl and I could imagine it her first boyfriend learning how to drive to the day she got married the day she told me that she was going to have a baby and that I got to be a grandma I saw it all flash before my eyes and it felt so warm and comforting and then 17 weeks came and I made an appointment to have our 20 week check up where they scanned everything and double checked everything to make sure everything was OK I remember walking into the doctors office Bobby had gotten off work early we went into the room where the ultrasound tech was I lay down and from that moment on I knew my life would never be the same I had never gotten that feeling before that moment there was something in the air it just didn't feel right it wasnt a happy moment anymore it was a moment of pure terror it was a moment that I never want to remember and I just hoped and prayed that it was my head playing tricks on me I had finally gotten all my dreams it was too easy after all this time and trying to get pregnant things were going far to smoothly the ultra sound tech began scanning everything I stared at her face waiting for her to break her poker face and she didn't the whole time she talked to me about when she gave birth to her kids never once batting an eye but still I could feel something wasn't right I remember Harlow running around my belly kicking me like crazy I kept telling myself how could a baby have something wrong with it be so active I just kept telling myself you're overreacting you're being dramatic everything is OK even ultrasound tech isn't thinking anything was wrong she would tell you even though she's not allowed to tell you I felt like she would have at least made a face she said she would be right back and she stepped out for a second I remember still having the jelly on my belly thinking is it over did we get to go home ? She came back in and that's when I knew something wasn't right her face I changed and she was far more quiet now I asked her questions about her kids and she gave me one word answers I stopped asking I just laid there I could feel my heart pounding in my chest thinking to myself something isn't right I looked over at Bobby he was sitting on his phone as usual he looked fine so It had to been just me something in the air it was just me I kept telling myself over and over again everything is fine she's fine you're doing everything right she told us that we could go and no news is good news so if we don't hear from them in three days just continue on there's something about how she said it I just knew then the days past we got through day one then day to then day three just when I thought I was in the clear my phone rang and it was the phone call from actual hell telling me something was wrong but they found something on the scan but they couldn't tell me much more and that they have an opening in five days to come in and get rescanned five days I had to wait to find out what was going on five days I spent bawling my eyes out five days thinking about all the things that I had hoped and prayed for and wondering which of them I was going to be able to do if any at all it just so happened that my birthday was the day before our appointment I'll never forget that birthday because it was the worst birthday I've ever had just dreading the next day it was the slowest birthday I have ever had as well I spent it with my two best friends I remember I was so angry at Bobby because I had thought that he didn't plan anything for my birthday but he had actually surprised me with a surprise dinner if you know my husband you know that that is extremely rare surprises he hates them I remember going home that night laying in bed thinking to myself what am I going to do tomorrow when they tell me the worst possible thing how am i going to handle it I've had anxiety and depression my whole life so in this moment I have to get it together not for me not for Bobby But for Harlow I woke up the next morning if you can even say that I woke up because I don't think I even went to sleep I got dressed I remember exactly what I was wearing that day black pants and a burnt orange top I remember putting my shirt on and holding my belly thinking I got you no matter what I've got you we are arrived at the hospital where they take us into a special room and I remember the lady she was a geneticist she tried explaining to Us what was going on but I didn't hear a word she was saying I remember asking her if she could repeat herself because I was so confused as to what she was saying she did politely I remember the words there is an issue with your daughters brain I shook my head thinking to myself of course the one thing that you can't fix the one thing that you can't understand and The one thing that runs your entire body I felt cold I remember that which was odd because when you're pregnant you're really hot all the time at least for me I was I think it was my blood I think it was ice cold. Everything that I ever dreamed came crashing down on top of me no prom no first boyfriend no learning how to drive a car no getting married no grandkids none of it how is it the one thing that I wanted in my entire life was sitting right in front of me but there wasn't a damn thing I can do to fix it we sat in her office for about an hour talking about all the different options talking about all the different things that could happen talking about what kind of quality of life she would have talking about all the different issues that she will encounter that she'll probably never be able to walk talk eat on her own and so on she asked us three different separate times if we want to abort me and Bobby said no before she could even get the words out finally it was time to see the doctor we got into the room and I knew right then and there that they didn't need to rescan us they Already knew what was going on they wanted to do an amniocentesis to try and narrow down what exactly was going on originally she was only supposed to have hydrocephalus God what I wouldn't give for just some Hydro but at the time it was very scary and that's not saying that hydrocephalus is not a serious condition because it is it was time to do the amnio they brought out the biggest need I think I've ever seen in my entire life I remember them saying that because I had tattoos I'll be just fine not exactly tattoos don't have 12 inch needles that go through your belly into your baby sack to fill tubes of her fluid. I turned to my left I grabbed Bobby's hands for dear life I closed my eyes and I prayed for the first time in a while I prayed it wasn't to make the pain stop it wasn't to make this nightmare end it was to make my baby Ok to take care of her almost done almost done almost done I heard that for about what seemed like 10 minutes it was realistically about four minutes but four minutes too long finally they were done I was covered in iodine they said that I could get cleaned up they all left the room I looked at Bobby and I lost it I don't think I've ever cried that hard before I had been holding it all in for so long been told something is wrong with my baby having to wait five days going through the appointment being told that she's basically going to be a vegetable getting this huge needle stuck in me I cried into Bobbys chest till the nurse came in and said that they needed the room I hopped off the bed grab my stuff and ran out the door they stopped me telling me that they needed blood at that point I couldn't walk anymore I couldn't move anymore you guys can have whatever you want I remember thinking they brought me a wheelchair and Bobby wheeled me downstairs to get blood work done then we went outside so that I can relax and breathe I remember thinking this day is such a horrible day and now we have to wait for test results that would probably take about three weeks three weeks I will be 24 weeks when I find out what's wrong with our baby not that it was an option but just in case you guys wanted to know 24 weeks is the cut off for abortion it wouldn't be just a simple procedure but it would still be considered an abortion that means that if I were to consider it I would have no time at all to make a decision The test results all came back negative so this meant that there was a large possibility that the hydrocephalus could clear up on its own that there was no infection no cyst no tumor so Harlow had a fighting chance of being OK there was a light at the end of the tunnel but the damage is already done my pregnancy was destroyed my anxiety was a dark cloud that followed me everywhere I went I couldn't leave the house I couldn't talk to anybody I was all alone.. what happened to my dream and why did it get so bad so quick I had to do was take care of this little girl and I can't even manage that it got real dark for me so 25 weeks came and went than 30 at that point I was going in probably three times a week to the doctors to get monitored the fluid hadn't Grown this was huge this meant that there was a large possibility that the fluid could drain on it's own after she was born I actually saw the light at the end of the tunnel for a change I can't wait to meet her after hearing the news that I may still have a chance at a normal baby 40 weeks came and went she did not want to come out after the fifth day I had a check up with my doctor and they wanted to induce me because her fluid was low I remember I was so scared to give birth I was beyond petrified there was nothing anyone can say to me that was going to make me feel better I don't know if I was scared of the actual birth or what came after either way I had 56 long hours to think about it I didn't get the epidural until my 50th hour I wanted to know what it felt like because I had a feeling that I never was going to be able to feel it again I had a feeling that this was going to be my only birth, my only pregnancy I had already been robbed of all the joy the least I could do is remember this it was finally time to push it was finally time to meet our little girl, I was finally time to know the truth I pushed three times and she was out I remember looking at her thinking gosh why do people think babies are adorable when they come out don't get me wrong she's my daughter and I think she's beautiful but not covered in blood slime and God only knows what else I remember telling the nurses that I wanted her after they cleaned her up that it really didn't matter because the second she came out that's when everything went downhill and fast she wasn't breathing she didn't breath for 46 seconds do you know how long 46 seconds you would think quick right?  Nope it felt like a damn lifetime once they finally got her to breathe I felt like I could breathe they said they had to rush her to the Nicu I asked if I could at least see her before they took her they brought her over next to my bed and I remember seeing her blowing bubbles that was what I got out of that moment was her chubby little face blowing bubbles and then they took her and that was it. I wasn't allowed to go see her until the epidural wore off so I could pee well that wasn't happening very quickly so they gave me the option that I could get on some weird contraption things pee and they could wheel me in there on a wheelchair I agreed of course. Bobby wheeled me down to the Nicu we went through the doors where we got stopped by a doctor his face is forever burned into my memory and it's one that I don't want... He took us in to the office and proceeded to tell us all the things that were wrong with her how she's having seizures how she has some extremely rare genetic disorder how she will never learn to do anything she will have no quality-of-life "she will stop mentally developing at 3 months and die at 10 years I'm sorry" I remember he then handed Bobby a piece of paper that he printed off the Internet explaining in detail what she had and I just remember staring at him thinking you're such a son of a bitch what possessed you to take this moment for me why did you do this to me you  couldn't have waited until I at least got to see my daughter for basically the first time to drop this giant shit bomb on top of me no you had to stop me at the door you had to tell me everything and now I'm supposed to be sent on my merry little way yeah I didn't say a single word Bobby wheeled me out of there take me to go see our daughter who is in a glass box and she looked so peaceful still blowing bubbles I asked if I could hold her and they said that I had to wait a little bit because she had seizures I asked Bobby if he would take me out of the Nicu  for a moment he did I told him to get me the fuck out of the hospital The epidural hadn't even worn off yet he took me outside where he sat with me while I cried my eyes out my little girl, my dream, was sick and there wasn't a damn thing I can do about it... To be continued....

I don't understand any of this

How the hell am I still doing this? Last night I laid in what they call a bed in the hospital listening to my daughters breathing thinking this could be worse some parents beg to hear breathing and can't sleep because they are so scared it will stop in their kid.. but then I realized I'm comparing again I compare my life to others who don't have kids with issues and think how jealous I am I compare my life to people who have it so easy and have no idea how hard things could be I compare my life with  to those who have it harder then me telling my self pull it together it could be worse but now I wounder does anyone compare their lives to me? Wishing they had mine? I wouldn't change getting harlow for the world I'd do anything for her but looking back thinking everything was going to work it's self out and everything is going to be ok when I was pregnant and now I'm here in the middle of my own personal hell telling my self it's gunna be ok ... soooo when is it gunna be ok? That's the real question... I've been fighting for almost one year now and we had one simple decision keep going or start over I don't believe in abortions simply because your kid is not perfect to each their own but I remember sitting in a doctors office and they asked us do you want to abort I said the only way I will abort this child is if she will have no quality-of-life and they said that they can't promise me that mind you this is just when we thought she had hydrocephalus do I regret my decision ? Hell no Harlow has taught me more about life in six months than I could've ever learned on my own.. do I regret going through this? no because one day I look back and think I'm stronger because of it but there is a part of me that wonders what if one thing was different what if I didn't have to go through this what if Harlow didn't have to go through this what if I was able to hold my baby like a normal child what if I was able to get a smile or laugh what if I was able to have a normal newborn? that was robbed from me I feel like I've been stripped of all my normal I don't even know what's up anymore or down I don't feel comfortable anywhere anymore it's very frustrating I hate change and yet I'm in the middle of nothing but it I am so exhausted The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that she will not remember any of this that this will just be a story I tell her one day that this will be a moment in her life that she can be proud of even though she doesn't remember it every parent tells her kids stories about when they were babies and you don't remember it so that's what gets me through this The pain and torture that she's going through the only people that are going to remember it is us and even though we feel it emotionally we don't have to feel it in our bones like she does .. tomorrow is her surgery and I wish time would stand so instead I feel like the days are fast forwarding getting closer and closer to the moment that she has to go under scares the shit out of me in all honesty I know other parents have felt this feeling before what if she doesn't make it out of the surgery .. what if this doesn't help what if there's problems what if there's an infection .. what if it makes things worse .. what if she rips out her G-tube what if something goes wrong .. all the what if's you can play the what if game as long as you want if I've learned anything in my life the what if game doesn't really work that well I played it when my dad died I played it when one of my best friends got murdered I played it over and over again when things didn't go my way The truth is everything can be different it only takes one single thing to change for your path to change couple years ago I went to a friends house and there was a psychic there I thought why not there's no way that these people are real they're just really good at reading people well this chick was really good at reading people I guess because there's things that there is no possible way she could've known mind you I wasn't as religious as I am now so I would never do it again knowing your future isn't for you to know some of the things that she said played out as if she wrote it herself others she had given me a heads up on things that I need to change to avoid certain things and I did but I wonder if this was a curse now changing my life because I think it's going to be better because of something I think might happen  I May have just set the ball rolling for something else to happen .. Harlow isn't something anyone could've ever predicted it was one thing that changed in her it's nothing I did nothing Bobbys Did it's something her body did so when I say that this is her journey and this is her story this is 100% Harlows to own it that's fate there is absolutely nothing that we could have done different to change Harlow's path other than abort her so that's why I'm not angry that she has these things going on with her I am however angry of the side effects that come with it Harlow is going to be such a unique person I'm excited to see who she becomes but I am so tired of her being in pain it's not fair I've been nothing but excepting and understanding and supportive through all of this I just don't understand why she doesn't get a fair fight I hope one day that I'll be able to understand this because right now I don't...


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Hey guys

So the last couple of days have been pretty hard. I'm not gunna lie. Between Harlows stomach and her spazzums it's been hard on her which means it's hard on us . Like I've said before comparing is the worst thing I can do but some times it's been hard not to harlow is going to be 6 months on the 22nd and it's extremely cLear that she is behind and not by a little.. I thought things would at least progress slowly but they arnt progressing much at all her stomach isn't helping matters at all . There is so many emotions I get when I really think about things it's like going down this rabbit hole I know I shouldn't but sometimes it's hard not to. When the drs told me she would stop developing mentally at 3 months I basically told them they are wrong but unfortunately they are leaning to right in this case it scares the living shit out of me  that she won't progress I know it's all going to take time and she could surprise us all and it's what I hope and pray for but sometimes I have to be realistic in things because it's life and it could not happen and if that's the case I need to be ready for that too. I wonder often why me I tell my self god gave me her for a reason she picked me for a reason but sometimes I wonder ok if there isn't a god and there isn't a higher power and this is it then how is this fair? How is it we struggle by in life while others have it so easy why did we get a baby with problems while others could careless get their kids are fine it's hard not to think that way sometimes it's human nature to wonder why trying not to beat my self up over it is hard to because no body wants this life I don't care what anyone says no one wants to see their child struggle but there is people out there like us who will do what ever it takes most people seem to have this mentality which is nice to see I just hope I'll be able to adopt and get to experience both sides of being a parent to harlow and to a child who isn't going to have to struggle I know this sounds sorta mean but it is what it is there's no beating around the bush :/ not ever being able to be pregnant again I'm having a really hard time with because again it's something that was taken from me and I had no choice in the matter .. but at the end of every day would I change anything would I abort her would I start over would I put her up for adoption .. no is it because I don't want to feel guilty? No it's because I still have faith in all of this I have my doubts as everyone dose but I have faith that this will all make sense to me one day..

the new stuff

Friday, April 14, 2017

Alright guys update time!

So we got her off the formula again and she's back on almond Milne which is great but in order for it to work I have to add things to make up for the loss nutrition that's fine by me but did you know here is no such thing and a nut protine additives? Which is what she needs .. so instead she gets baby food meats did you also know that in each little jar is only 8 grams which means she needs to eat 4 a day to get the intake she needs that's in a normal formula? Fun right that's not even going in to her carbs she needs this keto diet is sucking the life out of me 😩 But whatever she needs...

I went to my therapy appointment the other day I go every two weeks and I'm the least bit ashamed let me break it down for you.. I have a problem so why wouldn't I want to fix it? I've struggled with depression and anxiety the majority of my life and I know a lot of girls say that and I'm not saying they are luring I just feel everyone has their own threshold I hit mine clearly lol there has been some talk about possibilities of sending me to a meditation rehab to try and get me back on track and able to be more helpful for harlow cus I'm still unable to actually face her diagnosis as well as talk to any one with a child that is disabled it's just to hard for me right now I get super freaked out and panic so no social media for me or google for that matter it's very annoying because I know talking to other moms would help me but noooo my brain has other plans I guess .. all in good time but anyways I went and explained to her I have been feeling very anti social lately and it's been really hard to get thru my day to day life I feel horrible not answering peoples texts or messages sometimes and I don't know why I just can't do it she thinks it's like I get all my harlow talk out once a day and then I'm tapped out so I mean I get it because after a while it's very hard to talk about the bad stuff over and over esp when I can't fix it so that's my next step in facing my own fears to try and push thru and start opening up to the idea of talking to people instead of avoiding things..

As for harlow her stomach is doing better but we're backed up again from the new formula which I knew would happen so gotta get thru that but I've noticed she's been having more seziures lately I think her body is readjusting and so many things are happining all at once and it's just to much for her so please pray we get that back under control down to 3 a day again or nothing at all!! Okay I'm falling asleep night guys!! Xoxo


Saturday, April 8, 2017

Hey guysss

Harlow seems to be doing so much better she still gets fussy but normal fussy not extreme pain fussy so we are so grateful for that because we're on the right track but now we have to try a new formula in the keto family in hopes that it works if not then back to the drawing board... now that I have my baby back again I also have to start over it's another new harlow and another new realization that she isn't a normal baby that she does have somthing wrong with her that's far more then just stomach issues . It's really hard for me because I feel like I hide behind each issue to avoid the giant one starring me in the face I know what is wrong I can't fix it so I find other things to focus on but now that she's much calmer it's really hard because she just sits and chills which is great and all when I'm trying to do laundry but not so much when I realize playing with her isn't a option right now. Getting a response from harlow isn't somthing that comes easy between her eye sight and her brain issues she doesn't have a lot of wiggle room in that department God what I would give for a smile mamas out there pleaseeeee take in your baby's smiles and laughs godddd I'm so jealous I know one day she will but it's hard to wait patiently it's really hard to see other baby's for me my depression has never gone away I just shoved it to the back corner of my brain because I have no time to face it I don't have time for break downs and sadness I have days full of drs appointments and therapy I have stress up to my eye balls and the last thing I have time for is myself I know they say it's healthy but let's face it at this point I'm far from healthy I used to think being skinny was somthing to work for now I notice everyday I loose a little more of myself mind and body . It's like the saying fight, flight or freeze in my case there is no option for flight and fighting came right away I feel like now I'm just frozen in time trying to figure out where to go from here I can't look in to the future because I don't know what that is for us I can't change where I'm at now because this is where we have to stay so I'm stuck unable to fix my daughter unable to fix myself. Putting a brave face on after a while starts to feel like a normal routine which is sad I'm not fake at all I just have never been one to fall apart it's so much harder to pick yourself back up again once you fall apart so I just keep going keep fighting keep pushing forward keep staying positive and so on but lately I have been feeling so beaten and bruised I'm waiting for a miracle that I'm worried will never come that I've already had all my miracles for one lifetime it's just not fair it's so hard to be happy for my friends and their children it kills me because the old me would have been over the moon for each and everyone of them but now it's hard to see them and know harlow will never be like their kids and I know what your thinking "you don't know that" ah but I do wanna know how? Because right now when harlow should be doing somthing she's not and others are that's it yes maybe later she might but right now in the moment she's not and that's that it's somthing I have to accept it's a hard pill to swallow but one way or another it's gotta go down. Sorry for the depressing post but like I've always said I will be truthful as much as I can thank you guys for just being there for me and harlow and bobby in this journey till next time xoxo

Little by little we will get to our new normal

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Hey guys !

So harlow is on her new formula and so far so good she still has her fussy moments but it's not a all day all nights deal as of right now thank god so hopefully that keeps up and soon will be all better and she won't need surgery as for us we decided to take the plunge and get a apartment last year we were planing to buy a house and saved and saved but when we found out I can't go back to work that plan got epically thrown out the window but we knew we still needed to start a new chapter and be on our own in order to heal and move forward so we got a one bed room cus it's what we can afford yet another thing that has been robbed from us but we make the best of every situation so harlow still has her room at my moms and all her cute decorations bobby has about a foot of closet space between me and harlow lol the sacrifices you have to make 😂 but we will make it work my amazing husband made me a little work area instead of having a kitchen table  but again we make things work and we both will work hard to continue to better Harlows life ..  going with the flow has never been something easy for ether of us so it's been a rude awakening but I kinda like it I never realized how much I attempted to control my life when let's face it we don't ever really have control lol if you know me personally you know I loath change I have a very hard time facing it so this move was extremely hard on me besides leaving my mom ever since my dad died I worry about my mom as if she hasn't made it this far in life already lol well that's where we are at starting a new chapter and closing the last one to never EVER be opened again which yes that means I've had to accept I'll never be pregnant again unless by the luck of god they figure out what happened to harlow which let's face it they won't it's like finding a needle in a haystack lol but I'm ok with that because I know we will adopt and moving forward is the next step so as for now we're happy we have our moments still but things are starting to look up and now that I have said that I need to knock on wood lol thanks for all your continued prayers and support ❤️
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