had enough

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Being back at the hospital that not only did I go to my entire high risk pregnancy its where I got all the bad news its where I got induced, its where I had her, its where the Drs told me she was going to die, where they told me she was going to be a vegetable, where they told me she was going to get a Gtube because she will never eat on her own, where they told me she was never going to progress passed 3 months mentally and physically the list could go on ... They say smell is the biggest memory trigger and let me tell you DAMN RIGHT IT IS... Walking these halls and smelling the hand soap, Seeing the different parts of this place I always had to go just all of it brings me back to the hardest year of my life. Reminding me of everything walking passed all 6 different spots that I dropped to the floor crying after I got out of the Drs offices because I couldn't be strong anymore, out side where bobby took me in the wheel chair 3 hours after I had her to hyperventilate and cry the epidural hadn't even worn off yet. Each and every thing about this hospital I hate its like a bad omen for me at this point I get it there is some good things I mean I had her here this is where I met the amazing nurse who got harlow to eat this is where I met the dr to coached me thru my entire high risk who sat and prayed with me everytime I saw him who told me he agreed I shouldn't abort her he was the first and ONLY person who had my back on that. Unfortunately those don't trump the bad times I've had here so I will always hate this place.

We had to take harlow to the er tonight because I knew in my gut that something wasn't right we fixed the acid reflux we fixed the backed up issue ( or so we thought) we fixed all the problems we knew to fix and she just is continuing to get worse and more fussy and in more pain and causing her seizures to not stop because she's so upset. She drenches herself in sweat because she gets so upset. We cant put her in her car seat because we cant even bend her do you have any idea how hard it is to hold a baby like this besides knowing she's in so much pain go to Home Depot buy a piece of wood and hold it like a baby and there you go. It is BEYOND frustration not being able to fix this for her so I finally decided I've had enough and were taking her in and if I have to chain my self to a bed to get answers you bet your ass I will. Thankfully someone finally believed me and said they will take a look which then led to a x ray which then led to a ultra sound which is where we are at now waiting to see what they found part of me hopes they find something so we are able to fix this and it not be one more damn unknown thing in harlows life she's had enough "we don't knows" so thats where were at now sitting and waiting like always my patience has grown like you wouldn't believe but that still doesn't mean I'm a saint I have such bad anxiety sitting and waiting its frustrating not being able to know whats going on I just hope they tell us something soon....

Ill try y best to update on here if I cant <3

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