Ugh tomorrow

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Well I'm laying here in bed with enzo by my feet snoring and Harlow is some ridiculous position that is beyond me how it is comfortable becaus that seems to be the only thing that works anymore she's been changed three times due to spit up and not formula spit up acid spit up u can smell how sour it is... bobbys out of town so it's just us for the first time and I wish he was here her Appointment with the GI specialist is in the morning and I'm so nervous I'm not sure why tho I'm hopeful that I'll have my baby back again not the wooden board I've been carrying around cus she refuses to bend under any circumstances so litterly imagine holding a wood pallet that's what it's like to hold harlow but while she's wiggling trying to get comfy which is impossible and all the whole crying.. non stop crying.. I've felt helpless for my daughter since day one and it's as if it's a cruel joke being played on me at this point of how much more can we make this girl feel helpless I've had to desensitized my self to extremely that I know there's things that should absolutely floor me but I've grown so cold and paralyzed to a lot of it it bothers me a lot but I think it's also my brains way of protecting it's self I still feel sick to my stomach when she has her seizures but she's so fussy and in pain because of her stomach now days it's just a constant can't put her down can't put her in a swing can't put her in her car seat can't put her over your shoulder the list goes on and she was sleeping thru the night now she's waking up every 1 1/2 hour cus she's hungry cus she spit up half her last bottle so we then start the process all over again to just do it all over again this isn't me bitching tho truthfully it's not it's just frustrating not being able to help her and running off coffee trying to stay awake take her to her dr appointments and her therapy in orange every other day sitting in traffic listing to her scream cus she hates the car seat so much so I've started to come to terms with the possibility of a gtube I partially welcome it because this is no life to live this was EXACTLY what I didn't want her to go thru pain every day all day I can handle it I'm not that girl that will break down and if I do odds are you won't see it but I have had about enough of her being in pain it's not fair to her and I'll be damned if they send me home with no answers or solution tomorrow so if I get arrested for getting in to a fight with a dr tomorrow because he tells me they can't do anything someone please bail me out lol I hate being so cold now harlow dosnt smile or laugh or any of that yet cus she hasn't had the chance to cus of all this and it drives me nuts so much so it's hard for me to even look at my friends kids I already avoid social media I go on post updates and get off I rarely look at any thing so if you message me I'm so sorry if I don't get back right away I swear I'm not ignoring you it's just hard to be on there lately ... I still am unable to look at anything online about Harlows condition and I can't look at other baby's or kids with her condition I just haven't gotten there yet which sucks cus I feel like it would help me so much if I could just get over this hill I'm on but with time I got nothing but it! Well please pray for harlow tomorrow and I'm gunna be selfish please pray for me tomorrow I really need some strength I'm running pretty low lately ❤️

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