Time flys..

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

As I lay here with Harlow sleeping on my chest listening her breathing I can't even begin to explain the feeling I get when I think about the past year coming up on February 13th that was the day I found out I was pregnant I can vividly picture that day I know exactly how I felt I can even remember down to the smells of the candles I had burning in the house I remember looking at those two little lines on the test in absolute complete shock we had been trying for close to 4 years and we were at the point in our marriage where it was wearing heavy on us we wanted a family but couldn't and then there it was two pink lines I had prayed and begged and cried for those two pink lines and then just like that they were there... it's a bitter sweet feeling because until June 3rd my pregnancy wasn't exactly a cake walk but I appreciated every bit of it I did my best not to complain I did my best not to get upset when i would get sick i  had 20 weeks of normalcy 20 weeks of being able to be pregnant and have a life 20 weeks where nothing was wrong ... I got the call on the 3rd of June that something was wrong and they didn't have a opening for us to come in until June 8th longest week of my life and my birthday is the 7th so you can imagine what kind of week that was... we went in and right from the get go we knew something wasn't right and it wasn't just a blurb on the scans they took us to a room where we sat and waited I also remember what I was wearing that day I remember the smell of the hospital I remember looking at Bobby and really looking at my husband and thinking this is it .. this is where our marriage will be tested from this day forward .. I remember grabbing his hand and holding on to it for dear life as they told us something was wrong with our daughters brain I also remember everything slowing down to almost nothing when they asked if we would like to abort her I remember looking at the dr and wondering if she really knew what she was asking if she really knew what she was suggesting before she could explain me and Bobby in unison said no that's not a option for us we got asked to abort another 4 times in my pregnancy.. they took us to another room to perform the ultra sound and then to do the amniocentesis I remember I was beyond scared out of my mind I remember looking at the ceiling in the room and thinking "what in the actual fuck...what is happening to my world right now" as they stuck the needle in my stomach I remember leaning to my left and holding on to Bobby trying not to cry or move they told me just a little more just a little more and I was thinking I would do anything for this little girl and I haven't even met her an at that point I realized I was a mom and hadn't even gave birth yet ... just..a...little..more ... they had finished and had left me to get dressed I turned to Bobby and exploded with tears and dropped to my knees I held on to being strong for so long and I pushed forward but I knew that this was just the beginning that there was nothing I could do I'm not aborting my baby so whatever is wrong .. it's there and that's that.. this really was just the beginning with in days I had fallen in to such a deep depression but I made sure I kept a smile on my face I never let Anyone know how hurt I really was this was where my friendships I started to push away and the paranoia set in I stopped going places stopped talking to people it was work home work home work home... it was so hard to function at this point with out falling apart every second of everyday I was put on meds to help (pregnancy safe) it was like putting a band aid on a bullet wound what was once a exciting time turned in to pure torture my best friends were pregnant and I couldn't even talk to them because ether I would scare them about their own pregnancys or make them feel bad for me and I didn't want ether so the moment you look forward to with your friends well not in the cards for me I guess.. my baby shower was right around the corner and I was so excited till the passing out started in yup out of no where just low blood pressure low blood sugar bam I'm on the floor one more thing to deal with with ... no way of fixing it baby shower happened and what do you know not only do I feel it coming on it doesn't leave the entire day I got to lay the on bathroom floor on what was supposed to be one of the best days I remember laying on the floor in the bathroom beyond grossed out but having no choice cus I needed the cold floor and holding my belly and praying just praying that I could get thru the day with out anyone knowing how bad things really were and that I could enjoy it and go home and fall apart just let me have one day I pulled it together enough to watch Bobby open the presents and then went home and cried that one more thing was robbed from me weekly stress test were in full swing $60 a week for the test ... started at week 29 I soon realized there's no way with a child with a medical condition like this that we would be able to move out of my moms that was just one test out of a whole bunch of other things I had done weekly and depending on what Harlow actually has there's just no way.. she may be a full time job which of course I'd do hands down but one more thing to get destroyed but yet we kept going we kept fighting ohhhh what I would give for it just to be hydrocephalus which is all they thought it was (not that that's any less concerning btw) it's just that has some what of a action plan .. I remember laying in bed holding my belly thinking this is the one and only time I'll ever get to do this because not only was it so hard to get pregnant I can't do this again I can't go thru this again mentally and physically and emotionally draining regardless if my next baby was perfect I wouldn't be able to be cAlm..now knowing what I know I'm grateful for taking the time to appreciate being pregnant with her even tho it was a very very hard time in my life now reading this please don't think I'm bitching or complaining or saying oh poor me because if you know me you know I don't like people to feel bad for me hence the fact I hid my true feelings my whole pregnancy and still do the only reason I'm so open about all of this is one I don't have to make eye contact lol (not my strong suit) and two because I learned that when your alone it gets a lot scarier so if someone reads this and says omg that's exactly how I feel I'm not alone then Harlow is here for yet another reason having me tell the story to help others so bare with me i try my best to be open and truthful
But the reason I grazed over this potion of our journey is to know that it was hard since that phone call I got at 10:23 am it's burned in to my memory but moments like this where I have her laying on me feeling her breath looking at her face and seeing the indents from my shirt on her cheek her little humming noises this is it this is why I fought so hard this is why I said I wouldn't abort her this is why standing in the hall way of the hospital with Bobby crying to him telling him I won't give up on this baby that it was all worth it it may not be a easy road but we're on it and we're sight seeing and we will make the best of this journey no matter how hard it hurts sometimes we have been humbled beyond belief and I hope for those of you who read this it's able to help you ❤️

1 comment:

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