Where my strength comes from

Monday, January 30, 2017

So a lot of you have been asking how I am doing it? How can I be so strong and so on... well the truth is I don't have a choice but if you asked me a year ago if I would do this I would have said yes that's how much I knew I wanted to be a mom it didn't matter to me I would love my child the way he or she deserved... let me take you back a lil in to how I became well .. me.. I was adopted by two amazing people they both were in the Air Force they were the definition of true love but couldn't get prego well ta da that's where I came in oh and my sister we were both from different family's put in to a foster adopt program. no I don't know who my birth parents are my birth mom never told them who the dad was and years of research and a privet investigator later.. hell she may as well be a ghost that's how much she doesn't exist and I'm ok with that after being pregnant for 9 months it blows my mind how you can't possibly write on the back of a napkin "I'm sorry it's better this way oh yea here's a little back round of your family's health history.." but I've come to terms with it she's not my mom regardless it just woulda been nice to know where I came from. Fast forward a bit i have felt with anxiety and depression since I can remember I was bullied in elementary and jr high nothing to crazy but enough that it stuck with me for a long time, it wasn't until high school that I finally figured it out that I didn't care what anyone thought of me it wasn't with out the help of my best friends. I gained one in elementary one in jr high and a hand full in high school I will forever be grateful for them they are the reason I am who I am today they taught me who I am they let me be myself I didn't have to be fake or worry about being judged or "not cool" that's how you know who your true friends are they are the ones that are holding your hand thru the worst moments in your life I always say you know you have a best friend when you can sit in a room in complete silence and it not be awkward..I never was the popular girl, never the pretty girl, never the lucky girl,  I pretty much pulled the short stick on the majority of things I had a really hard time in school I learned differently then everyone else so it was hard it wasn't that I couldn't learn it just was hard, but I got thru it.. it wasn't with out being called dumb or stupid tho.. I had my fair share of relationships some were good others were pretty bad I think we all go thru it till you find "the one" Bobby and I were good friends for 8 years before that finally clicked I think everyone knew it was going to happen sooner or later except for me then one day it just hit me why wouldn't I want to marry my best friend? I know some people pretend to have these perfect lives and perfect relationships and perfect houses and cars and kids and so on.. However me? Not a chance in hell Bobby drives me nuts 23 and a half hours a day there's times that I wonder how in the hell I married him but then those 30 minuets..ah I could fall in love with him all over again and that's what to me it's all about someone who will drive you to the point of insanity but will bring you right back with one simple gesture. He is the love of my life and I hope to god he stays that way I know some relationships fail when they are put to the test like in our situation but if you ask me it's made us stronger then ever but I will never say we are perfect because we are far from it and I hope who ever is reading this finds comfort in that oddly enough now days it's like high school all over again trying to fit in to this social media world.. We tried getting pregnant for 4 years we made it thru that hell I don't see why we can't make it thru each new hell we are forced to go thru ( no harlow is not hell just her condition is just want to clarify that one lol) fast forward a bit more .. I've been to more funerals in my life then I have weddings, baby showers and birthday party's combined it's hard to explain the feeling of knowing so many people who have passed in different periods of my life being only 28 and loosing close friends and family to so many bizzar unfortunate events I've had it all it seams then leading up to my best friends mom (my second mom) passing from cancer with in months of finding it and then 2 months later my dad passing away while driving from a stroke when he saw a dr two days prior to this day I don't remember the last thing he said to me but what kind of sick joke is that? Why have I been forced to live thru these time and time again? I'll tell you why.. to make me stronger to make the little things not matter so much, to make the bumps in the road rocks not boulders. My mom always says " don't sweat the small stuff" you will never catch me being upset about money, about getting a ticket, spilling barbecue sauce on a brand new shirt, yea I like nice things I am a girl it's in our make up but you best believe I could care less if all of it was gone..none of it matters. What matters is family, friends and memory's. Don't get me wrong I get upset a lot but it's over things I can't control I hate that the drs number one answer to anything I ask about harlows life is "we don't know" she's partially blind and they dont know how bad so does that mean she will never drive? Will Harlow be able to talk? Will she be able to walk? Will she be able come home from school and tell me about her first crush? Will Harlow get to have her dad walk her down the isle to the man of her dreams? " we don't know" if you think I have it all together then you may be looking at someone else. I take things day by day I don't get worked up over things I can't change and I let things be I have my moments of needed to be in control yes but it's because there is so much in my world that isn't able to be controlled I don't have a choice.. so tho I didn't go in to every nitty gritty detail of my life and I am greatful for my bumpy road of a life because all the scars are there to prove I made it thru it mabye not in one piece but I am still here still fighting my world got turned upside down on June 1st 2016 when I got the phone call that something was wrong with my miracle baby but in all honesty I wasn't surprised that's not me being negative that's me being realistic look at my track record for getting the easy way out .. yea it doesn't exist I've have to fight my way thru everything why would this be any different? I was absolutely devastated tho I had hoped that this would be the one thing in my life that just went perfect for a change ... she is perfect in my eyes but I was robbed out of being able to experience a fun glowing pregnancy instead I got 8 inch needles in my belly and weekly dr appointments that gave me panic attacks every. Single. Time I stepped foot in to the waiting room I wasn't able to go anywhere and show off my belly in fear of passing out because god forbid I get a break from anxiety or depression in what was supposed to be the happiest time in my life my 2 best friends and I were pregnant all together at the same time and I couldn't talk to them about any of it because my baby wasn't normal so I couldn't talk to them about their healthy perfect baby's the thing you dream about being pregnant with your best friends eating ice cream and watching movies on the couch nope I couldn't even be around them it still makes me cry to this day. My heart was broken when I didn't get to experience a normal birth when they come out and cry and your husband gets to cut the cord and they lay them on your chest nope Harlow didn't breath for 49 seconds and then they rushed her to the Nicu before I hardly even saw her. They took from me my first moment of meeting her to let me know she was going to die shortly followed by if she didn't die she would pretty much be a vegetable as well as she's blind and deaf. My first night home from the hospital I came home with no baby feeling as if my heart was ripped out and I was empty... i will always remember that night because I sat in my closet and cried in to a pillow so Bobby or my mom wouldn't hear me for hours because I just wanted to give up and it only had been 72 hours...These are moments I'll never get these are moments I'll never forget but these moments are moments that I can look back on and think I made it thru it wasn't easy but I made it thru it. Now 3 months later my post partum depression is still here hanging out like a dark cloud over my head.. Harlows seizures and infant spazzums are still here.. there's times I just hold her while she is having them in her perfectly picked out planned out room and hug her and cry and pray and say to her "I'm here I got you" because I can not do a single thing to stop them that I haven't already tried.. but.. Harlows here she's here and she eats from a bottle which they said she couldn't do and needed a gtube she can hear something they said she couldn't do she's starting to smile and trying to learn the beginnings of crawling all things they said she would never do so when I lay down with her and just hold her when she is sleeping and she is so perfect and so innocent and so beautiful it all goes away all the bad scary stuff I get a break from it all I just get a moment with my daughter my beautiful little miracle baby unicorn that fights harder then me and her dad combined and she will smile in her sleep chasing those bunnies.. those are the moments that give me the strength those are the moments that I think to my self WE got thru another day. From day one when they asked us to abort her I knew she would be here for a reason she got given to me and Bobby for a reason I often wonder how many reasons I never would have in a million years been this open and honest and vulnerable about my life to so many people I don't know  but I get so many messages from women going thru their own struggles and say I have helped them in one way or another but just simply telling the truth that they aren't alone. I think another reason she's given my family and bobbys family a closer bond and brought us together. It showed her guardian angel of a nurse that if it wasn't for her she wouldn't have ever learned to eat with a bottle so because of one woman she has changed Harlows life forever and Harlow showed her how absolutely Amazing she truly is it makes me wonder what else her very presence will do in this world... So it's not the adoption, the bullying, the bad relationships, the deaths, the depression and anxiety and all the other shitty things I've had to get thru that make me strong enough to make me able to get thru this..
It's Harlow 💗

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