Friday, December 23, 2016

Some days are good some bad last week when I got the news about how we can't have anymore kids and that Harlow will die from her dignosis from the geneticist I felt somthing change in me and not in a good way the whole day I was a mess the next day even more a mess and so on well then I woke up two days ago and felt .. nothing .. normally I wake up I realize it wasn't all a dream I shrug my shoulders and start the day unable to not be bummed out but it is what it is comparison is the absolute worst I've been trying to be better at it well anyways I noticed that I wouldn't hold Harlow as much I would do what needed to be done and then put her down in her bed or swing or boppy then I noticed that it wasn't that I didn't think about her or miss her but I wouldn't wanna rush home when I was out running errands it bothered me that I didn't wanna be home with her and I couldn't figure it out I just chalked it up to being tired cus she kept me up all night so I just guessed I was annoyed? I dunno so I went to my post partum depression group yesterday and it all clicked I have emotionally shut down 😔 what is worse is I don't know how to turn it back on and I'm so scared it's going to get worse I get that it's my brain's way of protecting itself but at the same time like I can't run from my problems as much as I would love to not seeing her as a problem but everything that comes with her diagnosis is so scary and unknown and it's really hard to continue having a "normal life" so I don't really know I've been a mess I wish I could pretend that I had everything together and that my life wasn't a mess but hey I told you guys I would be honest on here as for me and Bobby we're good I know that a lot of times when parents are faced with stuff like this they either distance themselves or get closer for us nothing really changed honestly we haven't gotten closer or further apart but we have a different type of relationship I know it confuses people at times the way we joke around and talk to each other but we were best friends for eight years before this before we got together that is I don't know I guess I got lucky I didn't marry him for his romantic skills that's for sure but I did marry him because he is my best friend and now Harlow has us as parents Who would've thought right I feel like God gave us her for a reason the reason is unknown but if I had to guess it's because me and Bobby our whole lives I've had the odds stacked against us as well so we get it we get it when a teacher says that you can't do something we get it when you get called stupid we get it when you pulled the short stick pretty much on everything but we've come out stronger because of it all there's a lot of things in life I wish I could have or do or change but I think that's just life I think social media paints a picture of all these perfect lives that we all want to aspire to be but in reality behind closed doors I think everybody has problems just some people are more scared to admit them we on the other hand I've given up all privacy because I feel like it helps other moms and families out there know that social media is just a picture it's not real life and so I have learned seeing that comparison is the hardest thing lately to deal with that I have to tell myself you're comparing yourself to something that isn't real images you see of happy little family's aren't always true I'm not saying that some of you have happy little family's but everyone has their problems no matter what anyone says so that's where I'm at now emotionally messed up but I'll get through it just like I've gotten through everything else one day all of this will make sense until then surviving is about all the living I can do...

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