Day by day

Monday, December 5, 2016

Sooo my kid can hear imagine that? I knew she could tho she still has to finish her test the dr said it must have been fluid or somthing from birth cus she's doing great now it's weird cus I had a gut feeling. Besides the fact that we would slam a door and she would jump I just knew but that scares me at times because I have that mother's intuition and so it makes her condition so much more real because there's certain things that I just have a gut feeling about like everything with her seizures I just know she's having them and they just arnt he obvious type of sezuire and if she's not having him then thank God my mother's intuition is wrong and I'm perfectly OK with that right now I think what I'm so scared about is if she is in fact having them that the medicine that they have to put her on completely knocks her out so all the progress we've made all the milestones that she's had are going to throw her back and everything's gonna be more difficult for her that's why she failed all the tests and the Nicu's because of that stupid medicine so I don't want to put her on it I've heard good things about cannabis oil but she might be too young for it so I don't know I went to therapy today and brought Bobby with me it was good but it also made me realize how many issues I actually have to deal with that I've been putting off and pretending are fine I've been contemplating how transparent and how open I should be on here and with other people but I've learned through people sending me messages that it's actually helping them so I've decided to continue trying to be as honest as I can I feel like Harlow has given me strength I didn't even know I had and maybe I can help others and that's just one more way that Harlow is helping others which is the whole reason why she's here because as we've all learned she's magic .. The hardest part right now isn't her condition.. it's mine.. this depression is seriously no joke there's some days that I'm perfectly fine and no one would ever guess anything is even wrong with me other days I don't even know how I function and I don't get why it's one day on one day off because one day I'll be having a bad day and the next I'm fine so I forget that anything is wrong and then it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. I keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm being a horrible mom and even though everyone tells me how great I'm doing it's hard to believe it's like I look at her and think how amazing she is and think of all the things that she's accomplished and she's only six weeks old and I am 28 years old and I can't seem to get a grip why is it that she's stronger than I am? I don't really know how to go forward from here I've just been taking it day by day hour by hour minute by minute thinking when I lay my head down at night I got thru another day I can't live my life like this it's not fair to me my husband or my daughter but I don't have any other choice right now I guess trying to tackle everything out once isn't working for me but it's not like I can tell everything else hold on real quick let me handle this thing first .. I feel like I'm spinning 10 plates on sticks right now and I feel like all the plans are falling crashing around me and all the while there is Harlow this happy little baby I got given to me and I can't seem to get it together but at least I have Bobby he is a light at the end of the tunnel he drives me nuts 90% of the time don't get me wrong we aren't perfect and we do fight but he also has an amazing dad where we have flaws we make up for it in other ways .. apparently according to my therapist my fears are irrational and I have to agree there's times that I can't even go out to dinner because I can't bear being in a crowd of people for the fear of I don't know what by for some unknown reason I cant meeting new people is sometimes very hard for me for no reason whatsoever I couldn't tell you why I get anxiety about it even though I'm sure they're very nice people. Also I never dealt with my dad stuff I should probably handle that too and as easy-going as I am apparently I'm kind of a control freak in my own life which I guess we all have a little bit of that in us but I really thought I was the most easy going person alive but I guess when I can't control my anxiety that's when things start to freak me out so if I just don't put myself in a situation that I don't have to deal with it right? Ahh life maybe one day I'll understand it until then I guess I'll just keep going day by day... on another note me and bobby both woke up to Harlow possibly having a seizure .. but while it was going on I kind of felt like I could breathe I feel like I've been holding my breath since day one of all this waiting for something to happen and when I finally it did I kind of told myself I knew it.. not that I would want her to have a seizure of course I just had that feeling I emailed her doctor and like Kaiser fashion they didn't seem very concerned about it I think because she just had the EEG so they want to see the results of that but when she had her EEG and she didn't twitch once it worries me that the eeg didn't pick up what me and Bobby are seeing I don't know I know that part of me is maybe overthinking all of this the other part of me is my mother's instinct and the other part of me is just constant worry and then a small part is being realistic but where is the positive part the part where I know that she's going to overcome this just like she's overcome everything else who knows maybe it's just one of those days hopefully tomorrow will be better and of course her acid reflex is back so she's been in pain all day gosh I wish I could just take her pain away I'm sure every mom feels that way it just sucks not being able to do anything for her :/ well I think I've caught you guys all up on everything I'll try to update you all as much as possible thanks for your continued prayers they mean the world

Goodnight xoxo

1 comment:

  1. Reflux is a serious thing for infants/toddlers and can be treated with liquid zantac. Most pharmacies will even flavor it for you.

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