Balancing act..

Saturday, December 3, 2016

yea I'm failing at it ...  everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and tho I appreshate it so much I'm having trouble seeing what your seeing.. I've always been really hard on my self in general but all of this I should be better at it I should be better at being her mom I should be better at handling everything going on with her. Sometimes when she has her moments of possible sezuires or somthing that just isn't "normal"  baby behavior I seriously want to run I want to run states away if I could it's hard to admit this but I can't lie it's very hard being her mom.  In no way do I resent her and I'm not mad at god tho everyone asks me if I am it comes down to me being confused and scared.. how am I supposed to do this? how does any one do this? I'm confused as to why her why does she have to go thru this I'm mad because why me when there is so many people who don't even want their kids or do drugs while pregnant and their baby's are fine I know every ones different I know god only gives us what we can handle but I seriously think he has me mistaken for someone else. I feel as if I have been holding my breath and I'm at the breaking point where everytime I'm like yes I made it another day another week I think damnit this is how my life will always be holding my breath to get thru a day then the night comes and I can't ever actually sleep because I have to listen for her and see if it's a regular cry or is she sezing .. no one plans for their lives to turn this way.. I sure didn't.. I wanted the husband, the house,  the dog and the perfect little baby tho she is perfect in our eyes we don't get to have a typical new born or toddler or teenage if she lives to be one seeing that a lot of the kids who have this suposablly die by 10 ... sorry this blog post is probally beyond depressing but I needed to vent I've been positive for so long and I've been having really hard days. Her EEG was a big eye opener that she's not going to live a normal life even if she looks it... and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.. every mothers fear..

We don't get to find out the results for a while because we found a  neurologist in Orange County that we're going to give a try and he's going to be the one going over the results hopefully because we learned Harlow dosnt do well on long traffic drives and he last we we need is getting her upset cus that's when the weird stuff starts to happen yet again another thing we're limited to and have to find other ways arround. I just feel so bad for her I know they say baby's don't know but I'm so worried she's scared and I can't fix it she gets this look on her face where she looks like she's so confused and then it's followed by pain if this is the look I get now I can't imagine the looks I'll get from her as she gets older it's just constantly breaking my heart that I can't fix this I can't make this go away

On a more positive note she rolled over on her own the other day we havnt been able to get her to do it again tho she hates tummy time so much it's hard to make her do it to much for too long. I have to give my husband props tho he dosnt ever look at her like anythings wrong he is so in love with her it's so amazing to watch them together well I'm off to bed I hope tomorrow is a better day 💜

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