Postpartum + New Mama Don't Mix Well....

Friday, November 11, 2016

Why on earth do hormones exist ?? I mean I know the basics but this is a bit over the top... Some days I feel perfectly fine, Im able to be a mom and have no problems. Other days however they get rough... Public service announcement before I get in to this I DO NOT have any thoughts of hurting my daughter or my self. With that being said, When I used to hear about how women would kill their babies in a bath tub and what not I would think how in the world could you do that how could you possibly be in that mind set to allow your self to do that? Now having postpartum I don't understand it still but I do see where you can go down the rabbit hole to get that bad thats why I made sure right away when I wasn't feeling right I took action. Tho I don't have that particular version of it but I do have the version of not wanting to be around her at times which is really heart breaking because part of me is like this is my daughter I love her so much but then the other part of me has to leave the room I cant even be around her and I don't understand it. Why on earth is this possible? I fought so hard for her I went thru hell with her and now were fighting to give her the best life we can so then why do I feel this way some times? like I said .. hormones.. I wonder how they felt with these in the old days like seriously with out medicine or any idea what was going on those poor women.
How we feel about hormones -_-

Today was a rough day it was my dads 2 year anniversary off his passing and I finally when to see his grave I had been waiting for the right time to go I think I've just been putting it off because I haven't felt with him dieting fully yet and seeing his name on a grave was just not something I was ready to see but I decided to take harlow and she could be my little moral support and that way she could meet her grandpa.

So we went and I was sitting at my dads grave site with my daughter and there was a guy a couple rows back playing the harmonica sitting at a grave. Tho as creepy as it sounds it was kind of nice. He was playing old military hyms while the planes flew across leaving and coming to the base.It brought me back to the times I would go with my dad out to the base and how I thought it was so weird why everyone thought he was so special.. I mean he's just my dad. Turns out the older I got the more I realized how high ranking my parents were. Now being a adult I take a lot of pride in what my parents have accomplished hope once day Harlow will feel the same about me and bobby. So I sat there wondering how in the hell did I get here? How did my life take such a crazy turn? My dads gone my daughter has all these supposed problems and is a 1 in 11 million case, My uncle dies on my mom and cousins birthday the day after my daughter was born, postpartum bullshit... like at what point do I get to throw my hands up in the t shape and say time effing out. Because I'm getting to that point where I need a break. You can only be strong for so long before you explode. I feel like me and bobby are getting to that point, But as everyone knows you cant just stop life..

As for harlows well being she's been doing this spasm sorta thing it lasts a couple minuets at first we thought she was having a seizure but then checked her vitals and all the signs on a seizure and nothing so I dunno what it is .. Anyones babys ever do this before? its almost like a twitch every couple seconds not painful looking if anything its like her body has the hiccups lol I think were just on super high alert or maybe she's having seizures and were looking for the wrong thing...

We found a place in Philadelphia that works with parents on how to help stimulate their kids who have brain problems I emailed them and hoping to hear back soon the quicker we get started on helping her stimulate her brain the better her outcome.

So prayer request for this post are

-We hear back from the place in Philadelphia with a "come on down we would love to have you"
-That she in fact isn't having seizures and its just her being a baby
-That her eeg Monday shows no signs of seizures

Goodnight World <3

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